Your influence is proportional to how well you can initiate and handle difficult conversations

Steal this playbook to ace difficult conversations. Be in the top 5%.

1. Understand the game. There are 3 conversations going on simultaneously.

a. Is about the content. What happened? What's the problem? What do we need to do about it?"
b. Is about the relationship between the people involved. How do we feel about each other? How do we want to feel about each other after this conversation?
c. Is about the process of the conversation itself. Are we listening to each other? Are we being respectful?

Most amateurs focus on only a. And fail.

2. Decide. Is this a conversation worth having?
Is it important enough to risk discomfort and potential conflict?
What's the worst that could happen?
What's the best that could happen?

Not every conversation is worth having. Pick the right battles.

3. Prepare.
What do you want to accomplish?
What information to gather?
What are your options?
To stay calm and focused, practice what you're going to say.

4. Listen actively.
Listen to their words. Their feelings. Their intentions. Their body language.
Ask clarifying questions.
Summarize what you understand. Make them feel heard.

5. Be honest without being hurtful.
Use "I" statements to express your feelings.
Avoid name-calling and personal attacks.
Focus on the issue, not the person.

6. Find common ground.
What are the things you both agree on?
What are your shared goals, values?
Use the common ground as a foundation for a solution.

7. Be willing to compromise.
In most cases, there's no perfect solution.
Know what are you willing to give up?
Know what are you not willing to give up?
Be creative. Look for solutions that meet both of your needs.

8. Know your own triggers. Know what tends to set you off when things get heated? Avoid getting triggered.

9. Be ready to walk away. If a conversation is becoming too heated, walk away. You can always come back to it later when you're both feeling calmer.

10. Use humor to diffuse tension in a difficult conversation. Use it carefully. Never make fun of them.

11. Be patient. Difficult conversations take time. Don't expect to solve everything in one conversation. Play the long game.

12. End on a positive note. Even if the conversation was difficult.
Thank them for listening to you.
Summarize what you've agreed on.
Express your hope for the future.

13. Don't take it personally.
If it was bitter, remember that their words and actions are often about them, not you.
Stay focused on the issue, not the person. You can't control how they react, but you can control how you react.

14. After every difficult conversation, reflect. Learn. Get better.

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